Resilience
Protect Your Nervous System For Life’s Highs and Lows
A friend of mine, Robert, boarded a flight home from Dallas expecting a routine trip back to Denver. He was in his mid-fifties, returning from a weekend of golf with high school friends—a much-needed distraction from the emotional strain of an ongoing divorce. Months of difficult conversations, uncertainty, and paperwork had been accumulating beneath the surface.
As the doors closed and the plane pushed back from the gate, a slow wave of anxiety began to swell up through Robert’s body. His chest tightened, his heart began beating rapidly, and his breathing became shallow. As the plane took off, Robert felt a powerful urge to not be on that plane. But of course, there was nowhere to go. He felt trapped. He had flown hundreds of times without incident, yet his nervous system was carrying months of accumulated stress. Confined to a cramped space with no sense of control or escape, his threat response had taken over.
As his stress neared panic level, the woman seated beside him looked up from her book and casually asked, "So, what brought you to Dallas?"
Robert cleared his throat and said he was visiting friends. She responded warmly, and they chatted for a few minutes about travel, work, and the weather, even laughing a couple of times. It was nothing more than ordinary small talk, but by the time she returned to her book, Robert’s breathing had slowed, his heart rate had settled, and the panic had receded.
When the flight landed in Denver, Robert said to her, "Thanks for chatting with me earlier. I was having a hard time."
She replied with a gentle smile. "Yes, I could tell. I thought a little conversation might help."
Robert hadn't realized his distress was visible, but this complete stranger had noticed and offered him a moment of human connection that signaled to his brain that he was safe.
Months later, Robert and I caught up over coffee. As he looked back on the experience, he told me he’d made a promise to himself never to let it happen again. He simply refused to let stress dictate his life anymore. He told me, "I just want to become more resilient so I don’t have these highs and lows.” That desire led him to study how the nervous system processes stress. I helped him implement some grounding tools, which we'll dive into shortly. Today, those highs and lows have leveled out. He flies comfortably, sleeps better, and handles daily friction more calmly.
Robert's story illustrates how chronic stress can accumulate beneath the surface until the nervous system reaches its limit and demands attention. For him, that demand arrived as a near panic attack on an airplane. For others, it might manifest as an unexplainable pattern of insomnia, high blood pressure, or chronic lower back pain that refuses to heal, highlighting the integral link between stress and health.
In the last chapter, we explored the Fit Person Identity, which is the set of beliefs we choose to build around how we age. However, life will test even our deepest convictions. Illness, injury, disease, and other challenges can show up at any time, disregarding our plans and shaking our confidence. This is where resilience comes in. Resilience is the mental ability that keeps us grounded when life refuses to cooperate; it's our capacity to pivot, recover, and remain unbroken in the face of uncertainty, which may occur more frequently as we age.
In this chapter, we will unpack what resilience is, how a well-tuned nervous system keeps us steady, and how an unregulated mind can inadvertently trick the body into a constant state of threat. Then, we'll delve into the practical, real-world tools that help us maintain an unshakeable life.
Simply put, resilience is the ability to adapt well in the face of hardship. It is often misunderstood as "toughing it out," but resilience is not a rigid suit of armor that suppresses emotions. In fact, rigidity is the opposite of resilience. A branch that cannot bend will eventually snap under the weight of a heavy spring snow. A resilient person experiences life's natural highs and lows, feels emotions fully, and expresses them appropriately, while maintaining a steady internal anchor that says, "I'm okay," even when circumstances are difficult.
But why discuss resilience in a book about empowered aging? As we age, we might assume life naturally becomes simpler and calmer. While that can be true, peace and uncertainty often arrive together. We navigate relationship changes, await medical test results, face unexpected changes in our bodies, and cope with losses both large and small. Developing resilience may be especially important in the second half of life because, as the years pass, we become increasingly aware that our time and our health are precious.
To build resilience, it’s helpful to understand what research tells us about how our biology handles uncertainty.
The foundational job of the nervous system is safety. Your brain is constantly asking one simple question: Am I safe? We typically define safety as the absence of physical danger, but your nervous system is far more sophisticated. It is constantly evaluating your health, relationships, finances, and physical capabilities. If any of these aspects of life become unclear or unstable, your nervous system may shift into protection mode.
In his classic book Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, neuroscientist Robert Sapolsky points out that humans are unique because our brains have the ability to activate the stress response without the presence of any physical threat. A zebra only experiences stress during an active predator chase. Once the danger passes, its body returns to baseline. Humans, however, trigger that exact same physiological reaction purely through thought. We suffer while awaiting medical results, worrying about retirement accounts, or projecting worst-case scenarios into the future. Ironically, our advanced cognitive abilities often work against us, transforming ordinary uncertainty into chronic physical stress.
Dr. Stephen Porges, the developer of Polyvagal Theory, coined the term neuroception to describe the nervous system's subconscious and continuous scanning of the environment for cues of safety, danger, or threat. Because neuroception operates below the level of conscious thought, we don't choose to feel anxious or calm. Instead, our bodies react automatically to sensory input, past experiences, and immediate surroundings.
While we cannot directly command neuroception to stop scanning for threats, we can learn to manage this subconscious process. By deliberately deepening our exhalations, altering our physical environment, seeking out warm human connections, and other strategies we’ll learn about in the Resilience Toolkit, we consciously provide the nervous system with the specific safety signals it needs. This indirectly overrides the alarm system, guiding us back to a state of calm.
Most of us know the two branches of the autonomic nervous system by their common descriptions: fight-or-flight and rest-and-digest. These states continuously regulate our heartbeat, breathing, and blood pressure every second in the background, without our conscious instruction. Think of them as two distinct modes: The Stabilizer and The Mobilizer. Neither is inherently good or bad; both are essential systems that we can manage to prevent either from becoming imbalanced:
The Stabilizer (The Parasympathetic Branch): This is your body’s natural operating mode when it senses safety. It creates a state of calm alertness that allows you to digest food, heal, breathe deeply, and maintain a steady, resting heart rate.
The Mobilizer (The Sympathetic Branch): When this branch engages, your heart rate climbs, breathing quickens, and adrenaline sharpens your focus. While it once helped our ancestors outrun predators, today it powers your workouts, helps you perform in a clutch, and energizes you to rise to a challenge. Used intentionally, it is a magnificent gift.
Your body functions optimally when you can fluidly shift between these two modes, allowing you to feel both peaceful and productive. Scientists refer to this capacity to smoothly transition between states as nervous system regulation. Mastering this fluid shift is key to feeling balanced and happy today; and also the fundamental basis for longevity and vitality in life's second half, as we will explore shortly.
When My Nervous System Got it Right
One afternoon, I was walking a trail near my home in Denver. It's my go-to route when I need fresh air but don't have time to drive to the Colorado foothills. It's a beautiful stretch of open space with inclines and declines that give my heart and lungs a solid workout. Usually, it feels like a mini-escape where my mind can completely settle. The only drawback is that the trail also serves as an access road for a massive high-voltage power line. Normally, the overhead wires are no big deal. Until they are.
About halfway through my walk, the sky changed. As a Colorado native, I'm well aware of how quickly summer storms can develop, but this one arrived with remarkable speed. Within minutes, the blue sky disappeared behind dark, ominous clouds. Thunder rumbled in the distance. A sharp bolt of lightning split the sky, and moments later, the warning lights on the nearby power poles began blinking rhythmically, triggered by the electrical surge.
Standing beneath towering steel structures and high-voltage power lines during a lightning storm is not where you want to be. My nervous system immediately recognized the threat, and my Mobilizer sprang into action. My pulse quickened, adrenaline surged, and my heart rate climbed as my system prepared me to move to safety. I turned and immediately headed back, my brisk pace quickly becoming a jog. My brain and body were working in perfect harmony, prioritizing my survival.
A few minutes later, once I had put a safe distance between myself and the power lines, the storm began to dissipate. Almost immediately, my breathing slowed, my heart rate settled, and the sense of urgency faded. By the time I reached my car, my body had returned to a calm, steady baseline.
This is a straightforward example of nervous system regulation. I suspect most of us would have responded the same way. The Mobilizer did its job by preparing me to respond to a potential threat, and once the danger passed, the Stabilizer smoothly took over again.
The greater challenge, and one that many of us experience, is when the lightning storms of life happen, but the nervous system remains stuck in the Mobilizer even after the storm has passed. Instead of responding to a real, immediate threat, it continues to operate as though danger is present. Over time, this state of chronic stress can overload the system, making it increasingly difficult to return to a calm, regulated state.
There are many reasons why our Mobiizer might not ever fully disengage. We live in a culture that encourages constant stimulation. Many of us push through fatigue with caffeine, stay connected to screens until bedtime, and rarely take the pauses that allow the Stabilizer to restore a sense of calm. I find the research on chronic stress incredibly motivating because it reminds us that no amount of daily stress is worth sacrificing long-term vitality.
Brain aging research suggests that chronically elevated cortisol fuels low-grade inflammation, impairs cellular repair, and damages the energy-producing mitochondria. A Harvard Medical School study analyzing brain tissue from individuals over ninety found that the longest-lived people had significantly "quieter" brains. They exhibited less neural overactivity and higher levels of REST, a protein that acts like a dimmer switch on excessive nervous system stimulation. Conversely, individuals whose nervous systems remained chronically overstimulated depleted their reserves more quickly and tended to die younger. So, let's take a slow, long, deep exhale, and live longer!
We know the common sensations of everyday stress: tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, shallow breathing, or that subtle, low-grade restlessness that makes it impossible to sit still. Because these feelings are so familiar, it's easy to dismiss them as just part of being busy. However, when your nervous system remains on high alert, these temporary physical reactions can evolve into long-term physical symptoms.
Clinicians refer to the process by which stress transforms from an emotional burden into a physical one as somatization. This occurs when psychological stress and chronic nervous system arousal manifest through real physical symptoms, such as tension headaches, digestive distress, chronic pain, insomnia, and many others. While physiological issues should always be ruled out, if you've spent years searching for answers to persistent symptoms, an overactive nervous system may be a contributing factor.
The good news is there's no need to panic about panic. These changes develop over decades, giving your highly adaptable nervous system ample time to reverse course. By introducing small, intentional habits into your day, you can successfully retrain your system to drop its guard and return to a state of calm.
Not all stress originates from present-day events. Often, our most powerful emotional responses are rooted in past experiences, long-held beliefs, or unhealed wounds. An argument with a spouse, for instance, might trigger feelings that began with a critical parent. A fear of rejection could stem from an old hurt, and a current disappointment might reawaken emotions that were never fully processed.
You might encounter a seemingly ordinary situation—dirty dishes or a forgotten grocery item—yet experience intense anger, resentment, or loneliness. This can lead to thoughts like, "This is no big deal. Why am I so stressed about this?" While the present event may be the spark, the intensity of your reaction often points to something larger. In these moments, we may find ourselves reacting to yesterday, even as we believe we are only responding to today and carrying these unresolved patterns can keep our nervous systems unnecessarily activated. Time alone doesn't heal; some experiences remain beneath the surface until we intentionally address them. When we do, greater joy, peace, and emotional freedom become possible. If you've optimized your lifestyle—including movement, breathing, sleep, and stress-management practices—yet your nervous system still feels persistently overactive, the roots may run deeper than your daily routine. Recurring anxiety, resentment, or emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the current situation can be signs that something deeper warrants your attention.
Sometimes, the most resilient action we can take is to ask for help. A therapist can assist us in understanding old patterns and moving toward healing. A friend can be that person who simply listens and perhaps, for the first time, helps you to feel heard. Honestly, there may be nothing more important than simply having a conversation.
Resilience is ultimately about protecting your nervous system, allowing you to maintain a clear sense of self amidst life's uncertainties. This stability becomes your internal anchor—a steady, immovable core that prevents stress from diminishing your joy.
If you've been nodding throughout this chapter, thinking, "I've got this," that's fantastic. I commend you for building a life that feels safe and fluid. However, new challenges may lie ahead in the second half of life that could test even the most prepared among us. To illustrate this, let's examine two situations where resilience matters most.
Example #1: Waiting for a Diagnosis
Medical uncertainty often increases with age. While we are fortunate to live in an era where early detection saves lives, the periods spent waiting for doctor appointments and lab results can be agonizing. I, along with many of my clients, have experienced this firsthand. During these times, the mind races, searching for answers: Is this a simple fix, or a life-altering fork in the road?
These moments are hard. True resilience begins with accepting anxiety and uncertainty as part of the experience. Can you remain calm while waiting for the unknown to be revealed? This is where resilience tools can make all the difference. I've discovered that certain practices can be the key to avoiding a spiral into fear and instead maintaining a sense of calm when facing the unknown. The strategies in the Resilience Toolkit are specifically designed for these challenging moments.
Example #2: Dealing with a Difficult Family Interaction
Relationships present a different kind of challenge. Families, in particular, have a unique ability to test boundaries, stir emotions, and attempt to keep us in our place. I experienced this firsthand a few years ago after my dad passed away. His death exposed deeper family issues and reawakened childhood emotions I was only vaguely aware I still carried. Previously, my default responses would have been either defensiveness or surrender for the sake of temporary peace. Neither approach brought genuine peace; instead, both left my nervous system chronically activated long after the immediate interaction had ended.
This time, I chose a different path: I held my ground. Protecting myself wasn't about initiating a loud confrontation; it was an internal shift. I consciously relaxed my muscles, focused on breathing slowly instead of letting my breath catch, and spoke my truth. More important than these physical adjustments was the realization that I was now a stronger, clearer person, unshakable in my identity even as emotional chaos swirled around me. Others are free to hold their viewpoints, just as I am free to hold mine.
Becoming a Resilient Person
Protecting our nervous systems isn't selfish; it creates space for joy, clarity, and authenticity in the second half of life. This is our time to create lives of our own choosing. Sometimes, this means setting healthier boundaries, redefining expectations, or allowing certain relationships to evolve or move on.
Working with your nervous system is a long-term process. Some stress triggers are familiar, while others catch us by surprise. This is why practicing resilience tools is a valuable investment in the second half of life. We cannot predict every challenge, but we can prepare ourselves to meet both the familiar and the unexpected with greater calm, clarity, and peace. This is the power of a regulated nervous system: it allows you to neither run from conflict nor allow it to dictate your health. No disagreement or life event is worth sacrificing your physical and emotional well-being.
Now, let's move from theory to practice. In the Resilience Toolkit, I'll share several actionable strategies that have been immensely helpful to me and many of my private clients.
I want to say that developing resilience is a completely different experience for everyone. It’s impacted by so many layers of life. For some, like myself, it’s a very challenging aspect of life, and one that could be a lifelong process. Having tools available are incredibly helpful. But doing five minutes of deep breathing isn’t likely in most cases to solve a problem that has many layers. I commend anyone willing to be introspective to explore this topic. Stress can dramatically influence our physical health as well as happiness in life. Even within families, what was true for one may not be true for another. The beauty is this is an individual journey. Approval is not needed. We are free to explore to our heart’s content, and doing so heals, protects our heart, and allows us to thrive in a life that has pain as part of the journey. With this in mind, let’s start developing our tools of resilience. I can tell you from personal experience, they are so helpful.
Resilience is the ability to adapt, recover, and hold fast to your internal anchor even when life refuses to cooperate.
Your nervous system is constantly searching for cues of safety and can become trapped in chronic stress when uncertainty feels like danger.
Chronic stress can gradually manifest in the body through poor sleep, digestive issues, and physical pain. Yet, your nervous system remains remarkably adaptable throughout life, allowing you to make changes that support your health and wellbeing.
Lasting resilience involves addressing long-held emotional patterns rather than simply allowing them to lie dormant.
Protecting your nervous system is an essential cornerstone of healthy aging and joyful living.
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